When my Dad died
On the 28th of November which was about two weeks ago my Dad died.
He died a year ago.
That day and the days before I can remember everything so clearly. It was Sunday and I had finished my first week of placement, throughout the day we had all been joking and laughing about how dad hadn't rang our mum yet and thinking he was really living up to his threat of 'what about when I don't call?'.
We knew he hadn't been feeling well that day but it was nothing of course how could it be anything serious? I had arranged my lunch and I knew my outfit for my next week of placement, determined to get through it, how wrong I was.
The next thing we knew I was upstairs and I heard my brother saying my dad had been taken hospital, it's okay we can go visit him, so we decided me, my brother and my sister would make the hour long journey, we weren't overly worried we just knew it would be good to see him.
That's all we knew when we set out on the journey to see him. On the way, my brother made phone calls to my relatives and the people who worked with my dad, everyone was being so vague
Tensions were rising now, and we relayed the information back, now it was becoming serious.
I kept thinking, he'll be happy to see us, he always wanted to be fussed over, and now he could be. We would go and see him and spend time with him, as the journey was nearing an hour, and my brother found out more. We knew he had, had a stroke, but it was all okay, we were nearby, like that stopped anything.
Then the responses become weirder. Just come here, I don't want to say anything, just be as quick as you can.
It's not serious
It's not serious
It's not serious
He wants us to come over and panic and then he'll be happy, that's what he's always wanted, for us to fuss over him, he saw it when we did it with mum, he just wants that.
Don't be silly, don't cry. Crying over what?
But I couldn't fight the nagging feeling there was something wrong, as tears started escaping my eyes and me and my siblings discussed what it could mean. No way we said. It can't be...but what if it is?
The journey became silent, and filled with sniffing from us. Noone would say it.
When we got there, my brother jumped out and went- we couldn't get hold of him. It was up to me and my sister to find our way to him. We went to the A & E reception, in the que, talking about nonsensical things.
He hadn't phoned or anything, Dad must be okay.
I agreed he must be. We relaxed, that was close.
Once we got to the reception we were led to my dad, there were all these old relatives huddled around.
My brother was there, not saying anything.
Say something, he's fine! Whats that ridiculous look on your face for? I silently thought
And then someone said it.
He had a stroke, an internal bleed, and his brain is dead. Its his heart that is there.
At first I was unsure of what to do. I just went beside my Dad and stared. His eyes were closed. Like he was sleeping. How I used to see him sleep when I would come downstairs in the morning for school, I would silently watch him as I took change out of his pockets.
Like how he would sleep when I would come home in the day and tip toe around him, he looked the same.
I stared at him, thinking, if he would open his eyes now, it would be over. All of this.
But he wouldn't he wouldn't ever open his eyes, and see me. And look at me, reprimanding me, smiling at me.
I wanted to place my head next to his, but there was so many people. Watching me, seeing my reactions. I've always been bad at expressing sadness. Even with my mum's illness.
For me, I just stared. Like he was someone I knew, like this was a really weird situation, and I was caught in it not knowing what to do.
We waited while they transferred him to the stroke unit and doctors came and explained and apologized. I responded politely. My family came in the next hour or so and my mum. My precious, fragile mum, would be coming too.
I tried to imagine how she'd feel. She had been married since 16, she spent all her life with him. And she wouldn't be able to hug him, or even touch him, that upset me alot.
There was awkwardness in the air with my relatives we hadn't seen in a while, and I hated pretending to talk to people so I didn't. If I wanted to ignore someone I did.
We were there for the whole day and I felt increasingly sleepy. Everyone suggest me and my younger sister went to father's friends house, he was insistent. A room, nice breakfast.
But I was adamant, I would not be leaving my family or my Dad. And not to spend the day at some random person's house, it didn't matter if my Dad knew him, I didnt. I found it unbelievably uncomfortable. They tried to persuade me for hours and there was another man who kept offering also. I know it was them being kind, but honestly I just felt like saying PISS OFF I DON'T KNOW YOU.
I fell asleep and at around 6AM my Dad had passed away. We saw him a few times before we left to spend some time at my sister's in law's empty house. It was freezing cold, noone had been living there and we huddled in blankets. We still remember that terrible day. How we were freezing cold, we should have just gone home, but I think everyone was drained.
When we eventually returned home, my aunties were there. They had cooked and over the next few days I got messages of condolences and people I didn't recognize came over. We had the funeral that week, but for me it didn't end there.
I didnt return to placement but I also couldn't cope with life anymore. For about two months, I couldn't process anything. I couldn't understand how everyone was living and moving on while my Dad was just...dead.
I didn't want to go back to university and I was confused. Confused at how everything continued while my Dad didn't. After a few months this got better and I still felt sad but I was able to move on better. And two weeks ago, I saw him. And I like going to see him.
He died a year ago.
That day and the days before I can remember everything so clearly. It was Sunday and I had finished my first week of placement, throughout the day we had all been joking and laughing about how dad hadn't rang our mum yet and thinking he was really living up to his threat of 'what about when I don't call?'.
We knew he hadn't been feeling well that day but it was nothing of course how could it be anything serious? I had arranged my lunch and I knew my outfit for my next week of placement, determined to get through it, how wrong I was.
The next thing we knew I was upstairs and I heard my brother saying my dad had been taken hospital, it's okay we can go visit him, so we decided me, my brother and my sister would make the hour long journey, we weren't overly worried we just knew it would be good to see him.
That's all we knew when we set out on the journey to see him. On the way, my brother made phone calls to my relatives and the people who worked with my dad, everyone was being so vague
Tensions were rising now, and we relayed the information back, now it was becoming serious.
I kept thinking, he'll be happy to see us, he always wanted to be fussed over, and now he could be. We would go and see him and spend time with him, as the journey was nearing an hour, and my brother found out more. We knew he had, had a stroke, but it was all okay, we were nearby, like that stopped anything.
Then the responses become weirder. Just come here, I don't want to say anything, just be as quick as you can.
It's not serious
It's not serious
It's not serious
He wants us to come over and panic and then he'll be happy, that's what he's always wanted, for us to fuss over him, he saw it when we did it with mum, he just wants that.
Don't be silly, don't cry. Crying over what?
But I couldn't fight the nagging feeling there was something wrong, as tears started escaping my eyes and me and my siblings discussed what it could mean. No way we said. It can't be...but what if it is?
The journey became silent, and filled with sniffing from us. Noone would say it.
When we got there, my brother jumped out and went- we couldn't get hold of him. It was up to me and my sister to find our way to him. We went to the A & E reception, in the que, talking about nonsensical things.
He hadn't phoned or anything, Dad must be okay.
I agreed he must be. We relaxed, that was close.
Once we got to the reception we were led to my dad, there were all these old relatives huddled around.
My brother was there, not saying anything.
Say something, he's fine! Whats that ridiculous look on your face for? I silently thought
And then someone said it.
He had a stroke, an internal bleed, and his brain is dead. Its his heart that is there.
At first I was unsure of what to do. I just went beside my Dad and stared. His eyes were closed. Like he was sleeping. How I used to see him sleep when I would come downstairs in the morning for school, I would silently watch him as I took change out of his pockets.
Like how he would sleep when I would come home in the day and tip toe around him, he looked the same.
I stared at him, thinking, if he would open his eyes now, it would be over. All of this.
But he wouldn't he wouldn't ever open his eyes, and see me. And look at me, reprimanding me, smiling at me.
I wanted to place my head next to his, but there was so many people. Watching me, seeing my reactions. I've always been bad at expressing sadness. Even with my mum's illness.
For me, I just stared. Like he was someone I knew, like this was a really weird situation, and I was caught in it not knowing what to do.
We waited while they transferred him to the stroke unit and doctors came and explained and apologized. I responded politely. My family came in the next hour or so and my mum. My precious, fragile mum, would be coming too.
I tried to imagine how she'd feel. She had been married since 16, she spent all her life with him. And she wouldn't be able to hug him, or even touch him, that upset me alot.
There was awkwardness in the air with my relatives we hadn't seen in a while, and I hated pretending to talk to people so I didn't. If I wanted to ignore someone I did.
We were there for the whole day and I felt increasingly sleepy. Everyone suggest me and my younger sister went to father's friends house, he was insistent. A room, nice breakfast.
But I was adamant, I would not be leaving my family or my Dad. And not to spend the day at some random person's house, it didn't matter if my Dad knew him, I didnt. I found it unbelievably uncomfortable. They tried to persuade me for hours and there was another man who kept offering also. I know it was them being kind, but honestly I just felt like saying PISS OFF I DON'T KNOW YOU.
I fell asleep and at around 6AM my Dad had passed away. We saw him a few times before we left to spend some time at my sister's in law's empty house. It was freezing cold, noone had been living there and we huddled in blankets. We still remember that terrible day. How we were freezing cold, we should have just gone home, but I think everyone was drained.
When we eventually returned home, my aunties were there. They had cooked and over the next few days I got messages of condolences and people I didn't recognize came over. We had the funeral that week, but for me it didn't end there.
I didnt return to placement but I also couldn't cope with life anymore. For about two months, I couldn't process anything. I couldn't understand how everyone was living and moving on while my Dad was just...dead.
I didn't want to go back to university and I was confused. Confused at how everything continued while my Dad didn't. After a few months this got better and I still felt sad but I was able to move on better. And two weeks ago, I saw him. And I like going to see him.
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